No More Running

Okay, I need to write out and process what I’m thinking. Running. It sucks right now, and, if completely honest, I have been miserable in this sport for a while now… Since my senior year of high school, I have felt a pulling in my heart that I do not enjoy this sport anymore. Last track season, while I was able to find joy at the end, I was miserable and thought about quitting.

I have had the thought of quitting for quite a long time now. This, however, is the first time I’ve actually considered it as an option. Why? Because running is all I’ve ever known. I have been doing this since I was 9 years old. Over half of my life has been committed to this sport, and what started as my joy and freedom has turned into my sorrow and enslavement. Only through the grace of God have I felt glimpses of freedom. I have continued to this point because I had an obligation, and I have believed that I have an obligation to finish it to the end (either till my time is up or my body breaks apart, whichever comes first). But do I have to? Do I have the freedom to stop?

A part of me is scared to stop because then what? Who do I become if I am not a runner? A normie. A NARP (non-athletic regular person). Yes, but I am more than just a runner. I am STILL a child of God. Running does not define me. God does. Not my sport. Just my Savior. And, besides, I will always be a runner at heart. Participating in the sport will never change that.

What about my calling to UF? I came here to run because I felt like God wanted me to come and to be His voice for those who are here. Maybe it wasn’t about running in the first place. He knew I would never end up at UF if it wasn’t for running. Heck, I was an FSU fan. The Gators were the enemy. The ONLY way God could have gotten me to come here was through running. The only way He could have gotten me to any college was through running. It convinced my mom that I’d have a support group, friends, older adult supervision, and academic/medical provision. I would not have been allowed to have gone to college without the help I have received from the people at UF through running. So, maybe God used running just to get me here. With or without running though, God can still use me to be His voice on this campus. I don’t need running as my platform. Jesus is a big enough platform.

What about everything I have worked so hard for all these years? My accomplishments? My PRs (personal records)? Are they all a waste? No. This day was coming the moment I ran my first lap around that old rundown track. There would come the day when I would have to stop competing. And no matter what, none of this has been a waste nor in vain. All the memories are to still be cherished. The hard, sweaty workouts. The laughs. The tears. The victories. The defeats. All of them are still to be treasured for eternity.

Another thought I have is, “It’s just one more year at UF? Can’t you stick it out?” It was just two more years last year, and, looking back, I remember the misery I experienced from it. The situation isn’t going to change. My love for running is gone. I guess that is an indicator enough that I should say, “Goodbye” or, at least, “See ya later, Gator”.

Now, for the hard question. What about the people? My coaches? My trainers? My teammates? My family? What about them? They are what have kept me going, and, if necessary, I would keep going for them. I would continue to fight for them no matter the cost, but I know what some of them would tell me (and have told me even though I have ignored their needed words). If they knew what I was going through, they would tell me, “Em, you can’t always take care of everyone else. You need stop and take care of yourself too.” For my sake, I need to stop running. Those who truly love me will understand and be there for me regardless if I run or not.

Finally, will I have failed everyone if I quit? I have felt like I represent so many. Homeschoolers. The autistic world. The Gators. Floridians. Americans. My family. My friends… In this decision, I still represent them. That is why quitting has seemed like a no option. However, what am I representing? What message am I sending? I thought it was to be a servant, but a servant has the freedom to do so. Instead, I have been proclaiming the message of slavery and that your identity is founded in what you do and that without it you are nothing. That is wrong! There is nothing Biblical in that. Nothing spiritual. Nothing right. It is just plain wrong. All I have been called to do is to give my best, and I have done that. With many witnesses, I have run with endurance the race set before me, looking unto Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith (Heb 12:1a-2b). If anyone thinks my legacy was not enough, it never will be for them, and, honestly, that is okay. There is only One opinion in the audience that I should care about, and He has told me, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matt. 25:21).

So, now what? No more running. I have been running away from this decision, but it is time I made it. With eyes filled with tears of both sadness and gratitude, all that is left is this: Thank you everyone for the run of my life! It has been an unforgettable journey!