Dear Goodbye (Part 2)
Dear Goodbye,
I know I already wrote a letter to you more than four years ago, and I thought, at the time, that I had said everything I needed to say. I never planned to write to you again, and I definitely did not want to. I even dared you to write to Someone Else if you had a complaint against my words. However, things have changed since then. I have changed, grown, and gained some more wisdom. By God's grace, I now realize that I need to say some more things to you...
I'm sorry.
I hated you, and I was so angry that you existed. You know this because I looked you dead in the eyes and cursed you. I told you, "You are dead to me. You are death to me."
At the time, you seemed like a tormenting demon lingering over me in the darkness of night. You were a shadow of death that haunted my soul. But now, I've learned that you are not an evil spirit. At least, your significance was not created with that intension.
Two years ago, I was faced with the face of someone whom I never wanted to see again. I did not know at the time that I never wanted to see them, but it quickly became apparent in the moment. Old, unhealed memories rushed through my body, and I was paralyzed with fear. I could barely breath. My heart beat so quickly, I thought that I would pass out.
For two weeks, I processed this encounter with the Lord, and He revealed to me something. Years prior, when I said "goodbye" to this person, I never grieved. I never took the time to cry over the loss of them, of our future together, of what could have been. I never acknowledged that they were important to me. Out of survival, I stuffed my emotions and moved on with life.
Jesus told me, "It's time to say goodbye, Em." I told him that I already did that, but I was immediately convicted by my lie. I said goodbye in the moment, but it was not for me. It was what had to be done at the time. Yet, I never moved on. Not really.
I took a walk with Jesus in the woods, and I journaled my thoughts and feelings under the shade of pine trees. For the first time, I cried over my loss. Then, I actually did it. I said goodbye. Once I did, I took a deep breath and let out a long awaited sigh of relief. I was finally free!
That's the first thing I learned about you, Goodbye. You bring freedom where there used to be bondage.
Over the past several years, I'd been losing my beloved Nanny to Alzheimer's Disease. Each visit was a realization of a part of her disappearing from this earth. Her stories. Her candy mints. Her sassy jokes. Her catch phrases. Her nicknames of love. Slowly but surely, she deteriorated into a shell of the person whom she used to be.
For a while, I convinced myself that she would never forget me. Yet, she did. I still recall the day she forgot my name and our connection, and it crush me. I wept in my car after leaving her nursing home. On that day in particular, I had to say and receive a goodbye.
In her final days, I got to be by her side and hold her hand. I told her how much I loved her and how grateful to God I was for her as my grandma. I praised the Lord for her life, and I told her that we would see each other again, all thanks to our Savior Jesus. Then, I kissed her and waived goodbye.
I miss Nanny, and I think of her every time I see a squirrel or red bird. I even cry sometimes when a blessed memory of her plays through my mind, like how she never forgot her faith in Jesus despite the curse of Alzheimer's. I will probably miss her 'til the day I die. Yet, it's better this way. The times of weeping and remembering heal my soul from the loss.
That's something else you've taught me. You bring healing where there used to be pain.
There is one more lesson you taught me, Goodbye. It hurt like hell... But I discovered that the flames were really refining fire purifying my heart. Moving is never easy, and you know how much I dislike change. Yet, you exist in the exchange of my life, my wants, and my ways for Christ' life, will, and Way. So, I left home for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven.
But the Lord had done so much, and He had multiplied my relationships beyond counting. I had a beloved gym community. I had a church that was genuinely like family. I had a family that loved me for who I really am. I had dear friends who knew just how radically Jesus had saved and changed my broken life. I was known, seen, and loved. How does one leave something oh-so-good? How can someone leave people oh-so-kind? What fool would say goodbye when they final belong?
The Lord's wisdom looks foolish to us mere mortals (1 Cor. 1:18-25), and He has given me only one command: "Follow Me." Following Him required my leaving, required me saying goodbye.
Yet, did it have to be so painful? Did I have to say goodbye to so many loved ones? Could I have just left without the partings? Yes, I could have, but then what? Would the leaving have been as bittersweet? Would I have left without regrets? I think not.
I recently learned your origin of meaning, how the phrase goodbye was short for "God be with you" or "Go with God".1 In my first letter, I wrongly viewed you as a curse, but your intention was always to bless people. And not just others. You also bless me in the partings. So, why would I withhold blessings from the Lord towards beloved others and myself? Only a fool would do such a thing.
End of July, I said more goodbyes in a few days than possibly in my lifetime. I wrote parting notes and messages to the point that my hand kept cramping. I hugged every beloved heart with all the love and gratitude in my beating chest. I cried so much to the point of exhaustion on every level. With the measure the Lord had given me, I strived to farewell well. Though every goodbye cost something, I gained more than the richest of kings. I gained peace.
The last lesson you have recently taught me is this: You bring peace where there used to be regrets.
Goodbye, I do not see you as the work of the devil anymore. Though your lessons have been painful and hard to learn, I now see you as a gift of grace from God. You have become a merciful angel to my aching soul. I do not hate you anymore. In fact, I have started to love you and praise the Lord for you.
It is amazing how one's perspective can change so much after a few more years journeying with Jesus. Lord only knows, He might teach me something else about you in the future. Only time with you and Him will tell. Until then, Goodbye, God be with you!
Sincerely,
EmiLee
Sources
Experiencing Grief by Wright, H. Norman
Comments