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#worldsuicidepreventionday2021

***WARNING! Triggering topics like death, plans, and suicide are mentioned in this blog. Please do not continue reading if you might experience anxiety/panic attacks with these words or topics. Thank you, and have a blessed day!***


In 2018, I wrote a blog sharing with the world my struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. Back then, I was scared when I pushed the "publish" button telling friends and strangers about the demons and shadows I had to fight against. It was hard for me then, and, to be honest, it is hard for me right now as I type this more recent story of life events. However, as the world made its way around the sun toward this day we have deemed for global awareness of suicide, God prompted me with a thought: what if my story gives someone else hope that saves their life? For that reason alone, I will share the most recent darkness I faced in 2020.

"One day, you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through, and it will be someone else's survival guide." - Brené Brown

After returning to Florida in September of 2019, I found myself stuck in a hard season of waiting. I had no idea what was next for my life journey, and my dreams and ideas seemed to shatter before me. On November 13th, depression returned. After not experiencing that darkness for several months, deep sadness and apathy hit me so hard my world went spinning.


From that day and throughout all of December, I went through waves of depression. By the time January of 2020 started, I began forming a plan for my death. To be honest, I was so checked out that I did not realize the death trap I was planning for myself. I was sick mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. One day, I casually visited the location where I was planning to kill myself and analyzed its plausibility. Looking back, it is messed up how carelessly I observed the scenery for my destruction. But I was not in control of myself. I was there, but I was not. I acted like a ghost, even though people could not see through me. I was sick in my mind, and I understand now why people call depression a "mental illness".

The thing with my plan was this. Even though I had subconsciously created one, I was not at the point of going through with it. That is, until January 20th....

I was defeated and done with my life that day. I thought about quitting and ending it all. The pain, joys, fears, dreams... everything. I wanted out of my misery. I just wanted the heck out...


But God!


Literally, no joke. But. God.


Though I was finished with myself, He was not finished with me! Yet, He did not invade my life like a comic book superhero. No, I had to do something first. Even though I wanted to quit my life, I made a choice to surrender to Jesus first. I made the choice to go to God with my pains and questions one more time. I did this by going to Him in worship, which was the last thing I felt like doing.

"Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness." - Jamie Tworkowski

At first, I just played notes. I could not sing the words yet. It was too difficult to speak the Truth to my soul. Eventually though, I began to sing a simple song with lyrics of truth:

Take a moment to remember

Who God is and who I am

There You go lifting my load again…


Knowing the battle in my mind was more than just mental and emotional illness, I yelled at the devil to stop preaching his deadly lies over my soul and commanded him to leave in Jesus' Name. As he began to flee, I started to sing louder:

No long am I held by

The yoke of this world

Come up under the yoke of Jesus

His yoke is easy, and His burden is so light...


The voices of death in my mind started to go silent. Tears of vulnerability began to form in my eyes. I knew what I needed to do. With all my heart, mind, soul, and strength, I approached God's Throne of Grace:

Your love carries

Your love carries me through

All the valleys and the darkest places

As I switched to another song, I re-entered my plan of death. I re-envisioned my suicide, but this time I asked God a question. I demanded with all my pain, "Where are You in all of this chaos???":


Then, to my surprise, I saw Him. In my plan, standing between me and my own death trap, there was Jesus. He was looking directly at me with His arms stretched wide beckoning me into His big bearhug. He was welcoming me, even though I did not view myself worthy of any form of love. He cared about me, even though I did not care about my own life. He saw me and loved me.


I immediately began weeping. I knew He wanted me to keep living, and I was reminded that He never left me even though I believed the lie that He had. He was there in the darkness, with His arms open wide to embrace me just as I was, broken yet still His beloved daughter. As I opened my heart to receive His Love, I sang one last song:

So I will call upon Your Name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine


God saved my life that day. However, I was not healed from my mental illness, and I did not tell anyone about the darkness surrounding me. That might have been my biggest, shame-filled mistake in 2020...

As the year went on, I continued to have moments of depression and apathy. I still had bad habits of self-hatred and was unaware of the simple yet subtle lies I believed. Though Jesus saved me from my suicide plan, I was still in a mental prison of shame.

In August, life started to look better for me externally, but the outside never tells the full story of someone. Inside my heart, I was scared, lonely, and triggered. On Sunday, August 23, I entered another dark cycle of depression. There was no specific plan of death, but I would be lying if I told you that I did not have thoughts of dying or hurting myself.

Thank God, three close friends randomly reached out to me that week. One friend (#1) texted me asking how I was doing, and I admitted that I was struggling. She fully welcomed my honesty, encouraged me, and told me she was there for me if I needed to chat with someone.


Another friend (#2) texted asking how I was holistically, and I shared that I was having ups and downs. She asked, "What's been your lows?", and I admitted my battle with depression. She made the wise choice to then video chat with me. Now seeing my facial reactions, she asked, "Have you had any thoughts of death or self-harm?" I could not give her a straight answer. Instead, I dodged the question which ended up answering it. She convinced me to look into counseling, which I was already considering. She also asked me if I wanted her to keep me accountable to find help in two weeks. I gratefully yet hesitantly agreed to this. I knew I needed help, but I was scared to ask for it. I knew her accountability would push me to actually seek it.

The third friend (#3) sent me the song "By the Grace of God" by Katie Perry and texted "miss you <3". At that moment, the lyrics rang true of my mental state and my prayer. I shared this with my friend and told her about my depression. She empathized with me and asked a key question: "Do you know what it's stemming from or what triggers that?" At the time, I had several potential answers, but I was not sure.


I am beyond grateful for these three friends. I believe God sent them that week because He saw my lonely, lost soul. To be honest, it is probably thanks to the love of these three that kept me from ending myself a few days later...


August 28, three things happened. First, it was a loaded anniversary for me with a tsunami of memories, good and bad. Second, I viewed myself as a failure due to someone else's mistake that afternoon. These two had me triggered and in a fragile metal state. When the third thing transpired, I snapped.


That day, someone scammed a family member pretending to be me. After I heard about the incident, I called assuring them that I was okay. I could hear the fear in their tone of voice and knew they had been traumatized. My family member was grateful that I was okay and had called, and we ended the call saying, "I love you". However, though I had done nothing wrong, I blamed my existence for causing my family member to be traumatized. I thought, "If I was not alive, this would not have happened."

Depression is illogical. In that moment, I failed to see how much I was loved by my family member. Instead, I viewed the scenario as my fault and hated myself. My mind was still infected with lies about my self-worth. That is why, after I hung up the phone, I started to weep. Then, looking around the empty field I was walking through, I thought to myself, "How can I kill myself?" That's how screwed up my mind was... I viewed someone's love and care for me as a reason to end my life.


Suddenly registering that scary thought, I physically jolted and said aloud, "I'm not okay..." I started praying for God's help. Then, I decided to reach out to a friend.


However, it was a battle to simple send a text asking for help. My mind kept creating excuses why I could not reach out to people. They're busy. They already have a lot going on. They are asleep now. Etc. Etc... Even for the three friends that had reached out to me earlier that week, I "reasoned" why I could not text them. For one friend (#4) though, my mind could not come up with a good enough excuse, so I texted her asking if she had time to chat. She was busy with her family, but she made time to text with me as I vaguely shared my internal struggle. I was hesitant to tell her the full truth in writing due to fear, but I told her enough for her to realize I needed help.

The following day, she convinced me to go kayaking with another friend (#5). I was numb and did not feel like doing anything physical. Yet, I agreed.

During our kayak adventure, this friend (#5) asked me how life was going, and I vaguely shared some uncertainties I was carrying. Listening to my questions, she did not give me answers. Instead, she shared her life story and how she had to walk through similar questions. I intently listened as she shared God's faithfulness in her life.


As we started to drive home, she encouraged me that God would show me the answers to my questions. She also said how much she appreciates me and loves my vulnerable blogs. She then said one sentence that softened my hardened, broken heart: "I love you, and I am proud of you." I started crying in her passenger seat and whispered, “Thank you.” I needed to hear those words. It was those words said gently and sincerely that brought me out of the shadow of death.


Once again, God saved me, and He used a group of friends to do this. However, He wanted to do more than that. He also wanted to heal me!


The following week, I met up with a friend (#6) at a coffee shop in downtown. While chatting, she asked me with tears in her eyes, "Do you know of any local counseling resources I can look into to process some stuff?" I was shocked. Yes, I knew of several because (though I did not tell her this at the time) I was looking for help myself. Witnessing someone else asking for help enlightened me to the truth that it is okay and good to ask for help.

Before the two-week deadline, my friend (#2) kept her end of our bargain and called me asking if I found a counselor yet. I had, but I had not contacted the company because I was still scared. However, her encouragement and the other friend's (#6) example nudged me to reach out.


On September 8, I started counseling with BetterHelp, an online counseling resource. I chose this resource for a few reasons. First, it is flexible and offers counseling via text, phone, and video call (I primarily did phone). Second, they ask you a series of questions to pair you with the best licensed counselor. In my case, I stated that a Christian counselor was required and that a female was preferred. Third, it was fairly affordable. Subscribing for four weeks at a time, I paid $180 for as many 30-minute sessions as I needed (I did around 1 per week averaging $45 per session). I was also self-pay (which was difficult and therapeutic to put monetary value into my wellbeing when I did not value my life at all), so this seemed to be the best offer for me at that time.

Some people reading this might be asking, "Why did you seek counseling? If you have Jesus, family, and friends, why would you need help from a stranger?"

First, I felt like Jesus was telling me to seek counseling. In fact, I think He had been telling me to get help in December 2019 before the first episode of suicidal ideation. But He was not telling me to get help through counseling because He could not help me. He was and is more than capable to help me and to heal my mind. However, hindsight is 2020, and I can see how counseling has equipped me to battle against the devil's lies with God's Truth. I think Jesus knew that I needed someone to help me do that.


Second, I made the choice not to tell my family at the time. I know they love me and would have been there for me. But I did not want them to be worried, nor did I want them to potentially blame themselves for my pain.


Third, though friends are amazing (I would be dead if it were not for the friends God has placed in my life), I was carrying around a lot of baggage, and I did not have the freedom to share some of it with those who knew and loved me.


Around that time, I saw this meme a friend (#7) on Facebook had shared:


From September to March (6 months), I met with a blessed woman named Miriam, a Christian who was my unbiased, safe, and productive counselor.

Therapy was no walk in the park. After our first meeting, she gave me homework to start reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren, which took me a few months. She also had me journal my triggers and then write down the thoughts, feelings, and evidence associated. Later on, I continued doing this simply practice of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and added another step of writing down God's Truth. She also helped me learn some grounding technics like breathing and muscle exercises for when I was triggered or anxious. All of these things and more took time and energy, but they were good and needed.


In those 6 months, there were more moments of being triggered and depressed, but I had the freedom and space to process them in a health atmosphere with Miriam. For example, a few weeks before my dog passed, Miriam and I discussed grief, and she encouraged me to find a healthy way of grieving my dog and saying goodbye. On October 31, my dog Micah died, and Jesus helped me say goodbye to him. Two days later, I had a counseling session and cried most of the time. Two friends (#8 and #9) let me come over to their home to have privacy in their closet as I vented and wept with Miriam. She listened and empathized the whole time, and I was able to fully grieve his death.


One of the helpful aspects of therapy was accountability. During those 6-months, I knew I had someone there with me to process my thoughts, feelings, circumstances, and beliefs. By the time March of 2021came around, Miriam and I agreed that I was ready to “spread my wings and fly” and to continue life without her counsel.


Life has continued to have its ups and downs, and I am still learning how to process them all in healthy practices. Counseling definitely helped me find a starting point. However, God knew I was still lacking in one area. I had yet learned how precious life really is.


On June 10, I was a passenger in my friend’s car on a six-lane highway. In a few sudden seconds, my friend lost control of the car, and we span facing against traffic in the middle lane. In that moment, as I looked head-on at another car in our course of collision, my mind went blank with one final thought, “This is it.”



Somehow, and I know by the Grace of God, the car turned facing forward again and ended up on the right side of the road in the grass. My friend and I should have died. Yet, we were alive.


A couple of days later, I told a friend (#4) about the incident. She and I sat in bewilderment of God’s goodness to me that day. I tearfully admitted to her, “To be honest, I have never valued my life and have thought about ending it. But, after that near-death experience, I’m so grateful to be alive! I have never been grateful for that, but now I am.” We both cried and hugged each other for a long time.


Today, it has been about 1 year since my last thought of suicide and about 6-months since I stopped counseling. When I am triggered or depressed, I know to go to God with my pain and questions, and I try to be honest with my friends how I am really doing. I have learned that it is okay and good to ask for help, but, most importantly, I have discovered that life is precious and worth living!


On May 26 of this year, I decided to visit a cluster of big oak trees on my church’s property. I was about to climb one of the trees when I noticed some writings on its stumps. As I examined some of the notes, one message caught my attention:


NEVER. GIVING. UP.


That is a powerful and brave anthem.


I wondered how that individual was doing a little over 6 months after writing those words. I wondered what that human was going through when writing those words a little over a week before Thanksgiving in 2020. I wondered if they knew the Hope of Jesus. I wondered if they were okay. I will probably never know the answers to those wonders.


What about you, dear reader on the other side of this screen? Are you okay? Are you contemplating giving up?


I pray you don’t. I pray you go to God with your pain and questions. I pray you tell your friends and family how you really are, the good, bad, scary, all of it. I pray you bravely ask for help. I pray you discover that there is hope and that life is worth living.


You are loved.

You matter.

You are enough.


As I read those hopeful words written by a wonderful stranger, a slight smile formed on my face as I said aloud, "Yes, we will never give up!"


If you need help today, there is hope for you!

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