#worldsuicidepreventionday18

I have felt like sharing this part of my story for a while recently. I have not for a few reasons: lacked motivation, felt too vulnerable writing it, and did not want to appear needy. However, God has not stopped nudging my heart to make my fingers type. With today being World Suicidal Prevention Day, He nudged my heart one more time saying, “If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for someone else.” That was the final push I needed.

In the beginning of 2017, I was depressed and even had suicidal thoughts. I was lost in my head and believed the lies shouting within me. A voice kept telling me these scary thoughts over and over again: you are worthless, you are not needed, no one loves you, you can disappear, and no one will notice you are gone. I hated it, but I saw no way of getting out. I had not heard Christ’s loving voice in so long I wondered if even He had given up on me.

I did not let anyone know what was going on in my head nor my heart. I kept it all within. I thought about ways to relieve my pain. Once, I held a blade and thought about nicking my arm. I dropped the razor when the thought popped into my head, but that moment was the awakening that I was not okay. Yet, I still did not reach out for help. I kept it all within, and I felt very alone (even when I was with a group of friends).

I am not the person to easily go to someone for help. I will do anything to help someone else, but I never consider asking for help. With these thoughts, I did not even know how to ask for help. Thankful, despite what I thought, God was there and did see my hurt.

One evening, my roommates and I went out to dinner at a fancy Chinese restraraunt. It was a wonderful time with delicious food and many laughs. When we got home though, my dark thoughts and feelings returned. They flooded into my brain screaming that I was useless, unwanted, and unloved. I stood in the kitchen silently staring at the kitchen floor. One of my roommates noticed my silence and asked me if I was okay. I blinked, said I was, and quickly left the room. Her and my other roommate were confused about my answer and told my third roommate about it. She then came to me and asked me if everything was alright. I gave an unconvincing answer that it was. She did not buy it and asked again. I was silent but eventually admitted that I was not okay. She asked me if I wanted to talk about it, and I agreed to chat privately outside on the curb next to our house mailbox.

When we sat down, I started to try explaining to her what was up. I told her how I felt depressed and had scary thoughts about death. She wholeheartedly listened to my pain. I mentioned how I felt like I could disappear, and life would continue like normal. She then told me that was far from the truth. She assured me that I was wanted and needed in many people’s lives (if not many, than at least in hers). She promised that it would be okay, that those thoughts would eventually pass, and that she would be there for me. I knew everything she said was true, but nothing was challenging those lies. Then, she said one thing that really hit me, in a painfully good way. She said, “I believe you can have soulmates who you are not dating or married to, and you are like my soulmate. I need you, Em. I don’t know what I would do without you. So please, don’t go…” Just like that, we were both crying. I knew I meant a lot to her, but I didn’t know how much until that moment. Her kind, loving, and needed words melted my heart and even began to heal it.

That conversation was just the beginning of my healing. It took more love, some therapy, and a whole lot of Jesus to bring me out of that dark place my mind was resting in. I eventually decided life was worth living. If not for me, then for Christ and for those around me.

Life is not guaranteed though. Soon after this, I found out that I had pre-skin cancer on my hand and had to have a larger section biopsied. Hearing this news, I asked God, “Okay, why would You threaten my life now that I have decided to live?” He answered, “Em, I do not just want you to live your life. I want you to fight for your life. And not just yours. I also want you to fight for other’s lives too.”

Thank God, the second biopsy came back clear and all that is left is a noticeable scar on my left hand. It is now a great conversation starter because people ask me all the time how I got it. I have been tempted to come up with a cool story like getting attacked by a tiger or something. However, I am not that creative, and no one has yet to believe my tiger story.

The scar has become more than just a conversation starter though. It is a reminder for me, that life is worth living and worth fighting for. It is funny. I was tempted to cut myself on my underarm as a sign of shame, hurt, and death. Instead, God gave me a scar clearly visible to remind me that I am loved, embraced, and full of His life.

I wish I could tell you that was the last time I felt depressed, but that would be a lie. I have had several moments both before and after that spring. This is the part that has made me hesitant to write this blog. I have even recently gone through a rough time feeling depressed, lonely, and unloved. I hate admitting that, but God did not give me this writing platform to talk about sunshine and flowers. No. He gave me it to be real.

So, here is the reality. I am still broken. I still need to be reminded that I am loved. I still need to hold onto God’s promises (even though my head tells me something else that is only meant to kill and destroy me).

Despite what I have just said, I still have hope. Why? Because I have seen and remember the numerous times Jesus has come into my life when everything was hopeless, when I was hopeless. He is still good despite what I feel. This phase is just a phase, and I have lived through several of them to know that it is worth living through. My story is still being written, one scribble at a time under the penmanship of the ultimate Author.

Here is the truth. I am NOT worthless because Jesus paid it ALL for me. I AM needed because Jesus has SENT ME out into the vast and ripe harvest. I am NOT unloved because Jesus is LOVE and has called me into His family as HIS DAUGHTER. I canNOT disappear because then “how will people hear about Him UNLESS I tell them?” (Romans 10:13-15). I AM noticed, and people WILL miss me when I am gone.

That, my friend, is what I must tell myself during these heart aching times. But also, that truth applies to you too. If any of what I have shared has resonated in you and is relate-able, then let me say that you are worth it. You are needed. You are loved. You are seen. You are noticed. I know this life hurts, but trust me when I say it is worth it. You are worth it. The people around you are worth it. This life, your life, is worth every moment. So live. Be open. Ask for help (I am slowly learning how to ask myself). Give yourself grace. And fight for life, both yours and others.

One last thing I want to say is this: I love you. I might not know you, but I still love you stronger than hell. Why and how? Because I do not love you through my selfish love; I love you through Christ Who defeated hell for you and me. It is because of Him that I can say, “I love you stronger than hell”. And I promise you that Jesus loves you beyond anything, even His own perfect life which He surrendered on that bloody cross. He laid it down knowing it was for you and me. He saw you and me before we were thought of, and He thought we were worth His death. So please, do not end your precious life. You and I were made to live, to love, to be loved, and to fight for life as Christ fought for ours.

If you need help, please seek help:

National Suicide Prevention Line

1-800-273-8255

To Write Love On Her Arms

https://twloha.com/ then click the blue button saying Find Help