Vulnerability

What do you think when you see/hear this word: vulnerable? Are you confused as to why it's needed? Do you cringe? Does a smile of approval appear on your face? Do you see it as a sign of weakness? Did anger arouse because someone abused your past vulnerability? Are you sad because you have never had the chance nor freedom to show people who you really are on the inside? Do you wonder what is the significance of this word?

Some of those questions can be addressed to me. In my own life, I have learned the pain and joy of being vulnerable. I wish I could tell you I found a way to have the joy without the pain. Alas, they both run on parallel tracks, and sometimes you receive more pain than joy (or vise versa). However, despite the pain that comes with being vulnerable, there is a need for it.

But why? Why do we need to risk getting hurt?

One of my favorite books is Rooms by James L. Rubart. His fictitious story describes how the main character inherits a house in a town he swore never to go back to due to his painfilled past. He ends up going to check it out and discovers the beautiful house that was left in his name. He loves the house and feels like it was made just for him, as if it was him. While there, rooms keep magically appearing showing him different aspects of his broken heart. In the end, he realizes that God was using the house to heal past wounds and struggles within his heart, his eternal house.

For the past couple of months, I have been obsessed with NF's song Mansion. The rapper is open to his fans about his struggles, insecurities, regrets, and fears. He describes these feelings as if he were living in a lonely mansion.

One of my favorite childhood songs is Welcome Home by Shaun Groves. He let's Jesus into his filthy heart and asks Jesus to go room by room to clean it and make it spotless. The man used to have his heart locked away, but he finally relented to Jesus' constant knocking.

The reason why we need to risk being vulnerable is because that is the only way we can heal. That seems like an oxymoron since it was when we were real that we got hurt. However, not being real means we are being fake. If we are being fake, then it means we are hiding. And if we are hiding, then we are a prisoner to our broken heart.

We all have broken hearts. We all have stories. And we all need to hear and tell our stories. So, how can we be vulnerable? Who should we be vulnerable to?

Be honest with yourself. I think this is an aspect of being vulnerable that is overlooked. It is easy for us to burry our struggles and pain deep within one of our secret rooms within our mansion. We don't want to face our past.

NF states it perfectly in his song Mansion:

Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in pain See, my problem is I don't fix things, I just try to repaint Cover 'em up, like it never happened

Say I wish I could change...

And I regret the fact that I struggled trying to find who I am And I lie to myself and say I do the best that I can Shrug it off like it ain't nothing like it’s out of my hands Then get ticked off whenever I see it affecting my plans

If we lie to ourselves about the actual state of our heart, then there is no hope in moving forward. It just leaves us spiraling backwards, constantly stuck in our lonely mansion.

Part of the reason why I write is to practice vulnerability. It is a way for me to process things and speak what I am feeling. It allows me to see what is going on in my heart and to remind myself of what is true and worthy of pondering.

Writing has also given me a platform to be honest with others. There are several verses in the Bible that tell us to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16) and then help carry each others burdens fulfilling the law of Christ (Galatians 6:1-2). One of my favorites is from Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 which I mentioned in another blog.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

About a week ago, I met up with some fellow brothers and sisters in Christ at the fungalow. They explained to us that the vision of our micro-church was to be a safe place to confess our struggles and have others help carry each other's burdens. We have now started asking each other how we are doing (and not accepting a quick "I'm good" as an answer), what we have been struggling with, and how we can pray and love well.

However, before being open with yourself and with others, start with God. I struggle trying to figure things out on my own or going to others first for help, yet, Jesus is following me whispering, "Just tell me what's going on in your heart. Please. I am hold the key to the chains you're living in." But it seems so easy to keep shoving Him away.

At the end of his song, NF states:

I'm barricaded inside so stop watching I'm not coming to the door so stop knocking, stop knocking I'm trapped here, God keeps saying I'm not locked in

That last line makes me think of Revelations 3:20 where Jesus says, "Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends." Jesus desires to come into our hearts to transform it into a new pure heart (Ezekiel 36:26).

However, just as our physical wounds heal to form scars, the wounds in our hearts also become scars. These scars are then reminders of our past, a story for us to tell others.

Another blog I shared told the painful story of my struggle with depression. After Jesus healed my heart, I decided to continue living. However, God allowed me to get precancer to teach me that life is worth living AND fighting for, both my own and others. I now have a physical scar that allows me to be real with others and share one of the scars on my heart.

Amy Carmichael is a missionary who wrote a beautiful poem called Hast Thou No Scar?. Her last paragraph grips my heart with its truth:

No wound? No scar? Yet, as the Master shall the servant be, And piercèd are the feet that follow Me. But thine are whole; can he have followed far Who hast no wound or scar?

If we truly desire to follow Jesus, we will encounter heartache, and we will have the scars to show it. We will experience pain, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain. Christians have not been promised an easy life. Rather, Jesus promised trouble. However, He also tells His followers, "But take heart, for I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).

So, here is my last question for you beloved: are you willing to take your heart and be vulnerable with it for the sake of Christ by showing the world your healed wounds, your remaining scars, and your story?

PS: While writing this blog, a dear friend texted me these words: "Hey! Just read the blog post you sent me. So powerful. Proud of your vulnerability!" She had no idea that I was literally typing the importance of being vulnerable! That is just one awesome surprising example of the beauty of being vulnerable! And that is also a taste of how creative and funny Jesus can be! :-)