Graduation (Gainesville Changed Me)

A little over a week ago, I was having dinner with a dear friend and sister in Christ. We were sharing with each other everything Jesus was up to in our lives while recalling what He had done for us in the past. The whole conversation was a huge blessing to me, as have all of our conversations. In the middle of reminiscing, I looked my friend in the eye and said, "Dang, Gainesville changed me!"

I was not saying that Gainesville itself changed me. God changed me. He just used the city, the university, and the beloved people here as a catalyst for that change. Please, allow me to tell you the tale of how Gainesville changed me.

Before Gainesville

Before Gainesville, I had zero interest in the University of Florida. Heck, I was a FSU fan! I thought I would follow both of my older sisters in their college footsteps by attending FSU, their alma mater. I was wrong.

Before Gainesville, I received a text from the distance coach at UF. Hesitantly, I replied back requesting more details. The texts led to a phone call, then to several phone calls, then to a race hosted by UF, and then to an official visit of the campus and distance team. After the visit, I was 90% sure I should go to UF. The school was great. The opportunity to run for a D1, SEC school was unbelievably amazing. The athletic and academic support was a blessing. Yet, I did not immediately jump on board. I intentionally waited for God to say "yes" or "no".

Before Gainesville, someone randomly texted me that they had been praying for me, and that God had prompted them to share Romans 10:15 with me. I looked up the verse and read the verses before it to understand the whole context: "'Everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved.' How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: 'How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!'" - Romans 10:13-15. At that moment, I knew Jesus was calling me to UF to be His voice to those who do not believe, who have not heard, who have never been told. I became like Isaiah who heard The LORD calling for a messenger, and I replied, "Here am I. Send me!" (Isaiah 6:8)

Freshman Year

Freshman year, the first lesson I learned is that people had been hurt by Christians. Non-believers thought that Christians hated non-believers and did not want anything to do with them. This burdened my heart. I told myself that I would never say "no" to anyone at first glance because they were not Christian. Jesus hung out with sinners and tax collectors (Matthew 9:10-13). If I am called to imitate Christ (1 Corinthians 11:1, Philippians 2:3-8), then why should I reject anyone from experiencing Christ' love and hope within me (1 Peter 3:15)?

Freshman year, I became close friends with five girls on the cross-country team. We called ourselves the Crazy Wombats. These girls quickly became like family. I love those girls so much!

Freshman year, I had to say goodbye to one of these dear friends. Her and I believed in different afterlives (just one out of several topics we disagreed on), yet, my heart loved her like a sister. My heart broke the day I hugged her goodbye with no guarantee of being reunited. I was angry with God for taking her away so suddenly. I was angry that He was taking her away before she had received the hope within me, the hope of Jesus' death and resurrection. Ironically, it would take a few more heart breaks throughout my college years for the healing to begin.

Freshman year, the sheltered homeschooler that I was got schooled. I learned many things, but the main lesson I learned is that the world is a dark, broken place. I was saddened by this new knowledge, but I am not sad for learning it. The Bible tells us to be wise (Proverbs 4:6-7) and to ask for wisdom (James 1:5), but it also says in Ecclesiastes 1:18, "For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief." Gradually, I became wiser and more sorrowful, but that was okay and needed.

Sophomore Year

Sophomore year, I was not a baby gator anymore. I was not living on campus in a dorm anymore. I was not unaware of my surroundings. I was not the me who first came to UF. I was becoming new, but the process of becoming new was filled with demons I had to fight and mountains I had to climb.

Sophomore year, I became depressed. I became lost in my mind and thought that I could disappear without anyone noticing or caring. However, Jesus put a dear friend in my life to remind me of the truth, that I was needed, loved, and enough. That truth goes for every human, but I needed to be reminded of that truth. Do you?

Sophomore year, I rediscovered my identity in Christ in a deeper way. I was not defined by my feelings. I was not defined by my short comings. I was not defined by my failures. I was not defined by my faults and daily temptations. I am defined by only one thing, Jesus. I am defined by one relationship, being a daughter of my Heavenly Father. I am defined by one action, Jesus' death and resurrection for all of my sins. I am defined in Love. I accepted that as my identity! Have you?

Sophomore year, I realized that I needed community. I began to pray for community, and Jesus started to give me Godly sisters and brothers to lean on and learn from. What's that verse? "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." - Matthew 7:7. I asked, and He eagerly gave.

Sophomore year, a dear friend told me one of her friends back home took his life. With pain in her eyes, she asked me why someone would do such a thing. I did not have an answer. Later, I asked God why, and He gave me an answer. Rather, He gave me a story. That evening, I started writing it down and finished it the following morning. I sent it to my friend through email not expecting anything significant. Truthfully, I expected criticism of all the spelling errors and the flaws of my thinking. Less than half an hour after sending it, I received this reply from my friend: "Holy crap, Emily, did you write this? Even if you didn't, I’m in tears. Wow, that is incredible. Love you so much!" She did not realize it, but those words did something to me. It was my friend’s tears from my words that got me hooked to writing, to be vulnerable, and to think, “I want to do that again!”

Junior Year

Junior year, I struggle to immediately recall. Maybe, that is because this was the year that I went through healing. This was the year I returned to old wounds and fought away past nightmares. Turns out, I would continue this process of healing into senior year. Perhaps, it will last throughout my life until I reach the other side of eternity. I think that would be okay.

Junior year, a new distance coach joined the gator team. He had a mission of creating this team into a family, and I was all on board. Through trial and error, the team became more of a family. It was not a perfect family, but what family is? By the end of the year, I could look around at all of my teammates and call them my sisters (and mean it!).

Junior year, I had a heel injury which lasted for the rest of my running career. I would plead with God to take it away, but He would reply back, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). I continued to compete through the pain because my team needed me that year, especially in XC.

Junior year, I got to compete at SEC and Regionals during cross season, but it was not a joyful season. Most of us were injured or redshirted, but we had to keep pushing through to remain eligible for the following year in hopes to come back strong. At regionals, one of my teammates could not finish because her heel injury was too inhibiting. I saw her limping around the team tent afterwards. Though I could see her physical brokenness, I also saw her broken spirit. I decided to reach out in love. For the remainder of that day, I gave her piggy back rides around the course to cheer on the guys and get back on the bus. I cannot explain how unique of an experience it was to help my teammate when we had been diagnosed with the same injury (though on different feet, my left, her right). However, Jesus taught his disciples to serve one another by becoming a servant Himself (Philippians 2:3-8) and by getting on His knees to wash their feet. My act of washing my teammate's feet was to literally carry her burden (Galatians 6:2).

Junior year, I had to say goodbye to another dear friend. I had told myself that this friend would be different than the first, that she would not get home sick, that she would not lose hope in finding her place at UF, that she would come to know Jesus. When I found out that she was leaving too, I felt like a failure. I wondered what was the point of loving people if I had to keep saying goodbye without hope in a "see you later". In love, my discipleship leader told me that no one is without excuse in not believing and excepting Jesus as LORD (Romans 1:20), and that God is the One Who opens and closes people's heart to accept Him (Romans 9:15-23). One question remained, what is the point of loving others and telling them about Jesus if everyone is without excuse and God is the one Who chooses to save? The answer was one more passage from Romans, "...How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in?...As it is written: 'How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!'" (Romans 10:13-15). I laughed as tears streamed down my cheeks. That was the passage that brought me to UF in the first place. In that moment of awe, I heard Jesus whisper, "Em, I called you here to love and tell people about my love for them. I did not promise it would be easy, nor did I promise that you would keep those whom I bring into your path. Please know though that you are not making a mistake. I put these two friends in your life for a reason and for a season. Can you trust Me? Can you continue to love even when it breaks your heart?" I trusted Him, and I asked Him to help me to continue trusting Him (Mark 9:24).

Junior year, after track season, I decided to stop competing for the Florida Gators. This was one of the hardest decisions I have yet to make in my life. This sport had been a part of me for over half of my life. This sport had taught me life long lessons about perseverance, discipline, serving, unity, and faith. This sport had introduced me to countless amazing humans with incredible life stories. This sport had been a sense of home and family. This sport deepened my relationship with Jesus and gave me a platform to glorify Him. However, it had turned into a nightmare. It had become my identity in a harmful way too many times. It had caused me to judge my body and self image. It had created a spirit of comparison toward others. It had drained my energy to the point of depression. Therefore, it was time to say goodbye to an old friend and enemy. Today, I am able to appreciate the sport without participating in it. I'm okay with this long distance friendship because it is not toxic anymore.

Senior Year

Senior year, I had to rediscover myself. I had to start a new chapter on my final year. I had to go back to the basics of my faith. I had to find a new passion outside of running. I had to fight old and new battles (sometimes, on a daily basis). I had to press into Jesus for strength, purpose, and grace. I had to die to myself, pick up my cross, and follow Jesus with all of my heart, including the broken pieces.

Senior year, I started in a boot due to a stress reaction in my heel. This constantly reminded me of my choice to quit running. It also made me feel weak and dependent on others. I hated it, and I even became depressed, especially when the 2 months in the boot resulted in no fix to my heel nor a relief to the pain I felt. It would take a miracle from God to remove the pain and finally heal my heel. However, this trial taught me humility, faith, and being content in all areas of life with joy that is not defined by circumstances (James 1:2-4).

Senior year, I joined a small group through Greenhouse Church and started to fully embrace community. Through them, I learned that it is okay to be vulnerable with fellow believers. I learned that the Scripture speaks true that "iron sharpens iron" (Proverbs 27:17). Now, I have many precious brothers and sisters that have encouraged and discipled me.

Senior year, I had to say goodbye to another dear friend, my roommate, my sister in Christ. This goodbye was different though. It was not a goodbye; it was a "see you later". This departure did not leave me hopeless; it left me hopeful. However, I still felt her absence. I still felt abandoned. I felt anger, but I did not know who to blame. I thought about blaming my friend for leaving me, but God was the One who told her to leave. I thought about blaming God, but who am I, a human, to question the ways of God that are higher and far better than my own (Isaiah 55:8-9)? Then, I realized who I could blame, the devil who was mocking my pain-filled, broken heart. I yelled at him - no, I cursed him! I reminded him that he had lost the war, that Jesus had crushed his pathetic skull, and that nothing could separate me from the love of the Father (Romans 8:38-39). I told him that, no matter what painful event happened next, he would always lose because Jesus has forever won. After cursing him out of my apartment, I did not feel sad nor angry. I felt closure. One more tear fell, but you know what I did next? I smiled.

Senior year, I joined an impact trip to Haiti through P4H Global. I had not been on a mission trip since high school, but I immediately recalled my passion for international missions. Through this experience, I learned about sustainable mission practices. I learned that hand outs are not the solution to poverty. The solution is education, knowledge that can be passed on from one mind to another. Through my team members, I learned more about community. I saw a diverse group come together in unity through Christ. I saw the church like the book of Acts describes, and I tasted a piece of Heaven.

Senior year, I did a capstone project on Green Spaces and their connect to humanity's mental health. The project encompassed everything I had learned from my degree in Sustainability in the Built Environment and my minor in Urban and Regional Planning. It involved environmental justice, economic and racial segregation, and God's therapeutic creation verses man's distorted design. My mentor loved my final research project and encouraged me to pursue my master's degree. I am prayerfully considering this proposal as my next calling in life.

What's Next?

Now, I am an alumnus from the University of Florida, but I do not have my life plans figured out. However, that is okay. This life is not meant to be completely figured out. Proverbs 16:9 says, "In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." I had made post college plans, but God altered my course to serve at two ministry opportunities this summer (a 6-week internship with Greenhouse Church and a partnership with A Christian Ministry in the National Parks in Yosemite National Park). I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am for these opportunities! I am expectant that Jesus will do wonderful things within my heart while using me to be His voice, His hands, and His feet.

For the past four school years, this amazing city has been my home. However, Gainesville is not my home. UF is not my home. West Melbourne, my home town, is not my home. No where on this earth will nor should ever be my home because I am not a permanent resident of this world. I am a pilgrim on a journey until I enter my Father's Heavenly Kingdom.

The thought of possibly saying goodbye to Gainesville feels weird, scary, yet hopeful. I have hope because the feeling of home will follow me wherever I go. As for the goodbyes to all of those whom I have had the privilege of meeting here, for those who are my brothers and sisters in Christ, for those who share our common faith in Jesus' grace, this goodbye is not a goodbye. As a dear friend once told me, "With Jesus followers, a 'goodbye' is always a 'see ya later'!" I have hope. I have hope in the "see ya later" and in my eternal home wrapped in Jesus' arms!

On May 8th, 2015, at my high school graduation, I chose a theme song for a slide show that played as I walked across the stage to receive my diploma from my parents. Now, on May 8th, 2019, as a graduate from the University of Florida, I cannot help but think of the song Pilgrim Days by Will Reagan & United Pursuit as the theme song for the past four years and as my prayer for the journey yet to come.

Hold my hand and walk with me

Till my pilgrim days are done

And there I’ll find this jubilee

Until my chains you’ll see undone

I walk towards eternity

With hands held high

Unashamed I will enter in

With love on my side

I walk this path you lead And You keep moving me on I know You’re with me Lord in Zion To Him who sits on the thrown To Him who reigns forever To Him who reigns on high

Be blessing and honor and glory and power!