The Blessed Life of Singleness

I recall telling my mom during the beginning of the summer in 2017 that I was okay with being single for the rest of my life. She turned her head to look at me in disbelief. I cannot recall her response (or even if she had a response), but any mother would be concerned if their daughter just announced that they were okay with never meeting their knight in shining armor, having a magnificent wedding day (with an amazing honey moon to follow, of course), never having the chance to give grandchildren, and not having the hope of growing old with someone. What mother would not look at their daughter as if she was going mad?

The truth is that I said that statement out of insecurity. I believed the lie that I was not worth any boy’s attention. I thought that no one could love me for who I was. I thought I was unlovable, unattractive, and unwanted.

Later that summer, while studying abroad and living with a dear friend in Wonderful Copenhagen, God brought a man into my life that challenged those lies. Near the end of my time in Wonderful Copenhagen, we went on a couple of dates and shared our salvation stories and family heritage of faith. When we said goodbye at the airport, I kissed him goodbye, my first kiss.

I stated that God used this man to “challenge” the lies I believed. I used that specific word, challenge, because this man did not “destroy” those lies. Jesus did, but he used my boyfriend’s words and actions to help reveal those lies.

For example, my boyfriend would say that I was beautiful, and I would cringe. He thought I was happy when I felt sadness within my heart. He would say that I knew my own heart well, and I would tilt my head in confusion. During a driving one day, I was praying aloud about these contradicting moments between us. I said, “God, I do not see myself like that. I do not think I am beautiful, happy, and know my own heart. Is this because he does not see all of me yet, or is he seeing something I cannot see in myself?” Jesus then spoke to my heart, “I call you beautiful, I give you joy and happiness, and I have opened your heart and have shown you who you are. I have put him in your life to show you how I see you, loved and priceless.” Those words brought tears streaming down her cheeks, but they were words of healing to my insecurities.

God used this relationship to grow me in many areas of my walk with Christ. After being together for over a year and a half, I began to realize some issues within our relationship and areas of dangerous disagreement within our faith in Christ. With many prayers, Godly advise from a couple of sisters in Christ, and discernment through the Spirit, I broke up with my gentleman. I know I made the right decision within my heart, although I was questioned harshly for the following two months by loved ones. I know I made the right decision because my spirit had peace and assurance from the Holy Spirit and because God blessed my life by giving me direction and opening doors to further pursue Him.

A week or so after this breakup, I was having a conversation with a non-Christian friend. She asked me if I was doing okay since the breakup, and I assured her that I was. In fact, I told her I was happy and content in my status of being single again. She looked at me in amazement and admitted that she has never been satisfied during her periods of singleness. I said, “Honestly, I am content because I have a relationship with Jesus. When I was dating my ex, I never let my relationship with him surpass my relationship with Jesus. That is why I was able to end it when Jesus told me to, and that is why I can be content without him. Through Jesus, I am complete.” I could tell that my friend was receiving my words even though they were foreign to her. I myself was receiving the words coming out of my mouth.

Recently, I have really been pondering this idea of living as a single woman of God. It is a scary idea because our world is extremely anti-singleness. Think about it. Romance is one of the biggest selling points within our economy and pop culture. Most movies, advertisements, music, books, you-name-it involve the idea of being in love with someone. Why is that the case?

A part of it could be the fears associated with being single. No marital sex. No ultimate intimacy with another human. Fruitlessness/childless. Alone forever. Different from others. I think all of these fears are rational to some degree. However, “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).

I find another plausible reason why the world proclaims that people need to find fulfillment in romance. What the world says versus what Jesus proclaims are at war with each other (1 John 2:15-17, 1 John 5:4-5, John 16:33). The world places importance on an ultimate romantic relationship; however, the Bible puts a higher importance on an ultimate spiritual relationship with Jesus.

Even in that statement, some Christians might argue that God created man and woman for marriage. If we solely look at the Genesis account of creation, then this is correct. However, the whole Bible is declaring one common message about Jesus’ love and redemption of humanity for His own glory. In Genesis, after Adam and Eve come together in marriage, it states, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one” (Genesis 2:24). In the New Testament, Paul quotes this passage and follows it with a remarkable statement, “This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32). This means that the whole purpose behind marriage was to foreshadow a greater marriage between humanity and Christ. Marriage is important in the Bible. However, it is important because it is a picture of our ultimate relationship with Jesus!

Since marriage is meant as a foreshadowing of our relationship between us and Jesus, should Christians pursue a physical marriage between another Christian? According to Paul, the answer is no. He tells the church in Corinth that singleness is better than marriage because those who are single can focus on Jesus more efficiently than those distracted by marriage and the concerns of the world (1 Corinthians 7:32-35). However, within his argument, Paul states that it is not sinful to marry (1 Corinthians 7:2-5, 28, 36), but he does elude to the fact that anyone choosing to remain single for Christ does better than anyone who marries for Christ (1 Corinthians 7:38).

Growing up, I heard people tell me that these were Paul’s suggestions, not God’s commands. While this might be true, Christians believe that the whole Bible is the inspired Word of God. Therefore, even though this letter is filled with Paul’s words, we believe that they are words inspired by God. Also, we believe that the whole Bible does not contradict itself. For a while, I wondered if there was another individual in the Bible who speaks about singleness being better than marriage. Recently, I came across another account in the Bible that talks about singleness as a positive lifestyle. To my surprise, the words of encouragement came from Jesus Himself!

In Matthew 19, the Pharisees approach Jesus questioning Him if there is any lawful reason for a man to divorce his wife. Jesus replies with the same quote Paul used from Genesis 2:24 stating that man should not separate that which God has brought together as one flesh. They ask Him why Moses gave a loophole for them to divorce, but Jesus answers that this was given due to Israel’s hardened heart and that God never intended for couples to divorce. The disciples, hearing all of His words, say, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10). Even though the disciple’s hearts were also hardened to this reality, Jesus does not reply angrily, nor does He assure them that they misunderstood His words. Rather, He replies, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it” (Matthew 19:11-12).

According to Jesus’ words, there are three scenarios for someone to remain single. Within these three scenarios, two of them are forced either upon birth or later in life due to an obligation to man. The third scenario, which is the one I want to focus on, is a choice made by those who desire to remain single for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Paul had suggested that people should remain single for the Kingdom of Heaven, but Jesus clearly states that some are predestined to remain single to bring forth the Kingdom of Heaven throughout the world. If this is true (and Jesus said it so it must be true), then why do we not emphasize this idea of remaining single for Christ within the church?

Personally, I think people are scared to ask this question for themselves, let alone to someone else, because of the fears I mentioned earlier. The fear of never having marital sex, never experiencing ultimate intimacy with another human, never having children, being alone forever, and being the odd one out. I stated that they are all rational, but Jesus answers all of them, sometimes being the answer Himself.

The fears of never having marital sex nor experiencing ultimate intimacy with another human are challenging. A few weeks ago, I was watching a sermon on sex prior to the fall in the Garden of Eden, and the preacher cross-referenced to a passage in Songs of Solomon. If you are not familiar with this book in the Bible, all I will say is that it is a very passionate, poetic description of a marital covenant between a man and a woman blessed by God. While he was quoting a sexual image from this book, a thought came to my mind, “Em, are you really okay with the idea of never experiencing this? Will your life be satisfying if you die without ever experiencing the pleasures in sex?” I pondered that thought. The idea of sex is pleasing to me. While dating my ex-boyfriend, there were multiple moments when feelings were aroused that caused me to desire to know him through that intimate act of love (or lust in my case since we were not married). The truth is that God made those feelings and attractions, and He created sex to be intimate and an act of love (not one of lust). However, Song of Solomon says this crucial warning three times throughout this passionate book: Do NOT awaken love until it so desires (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4). Another translation: do not have sex before marriage!

But what if we never marry? Then, we never awaken this type of love. I say “this type” because that is what sex is. It is a type of love intended for married couples. For singles, this type of love is to never be practiced nor entertained (i.e. porn, masturbation, sex outside of marriage). Why? Because we are ultimately married to Christ, both singles and couples, who has ultimate authority of our body (1 Corinthians 6:13-20). If the God of the universe who made us before we were even formed in the womb (Jerimiah 1:5) and predestined us to do great works for His kingdom (Romans 8:28-30, Ephesians 2:10) has called us into a life of singleness, then we have to obey that calling.

What about the idea of never having children? Although I personally do not have any issues giving up this joy, I know several individuals who would. However, just as marriage is a picture of Heaven, children are also a picture of Heaven. In his letter to the Galatians, Paul calls them his spiritual children whom he experiences labor pains for (Galatians 4:11, 18-19). Jesus has called all of His followers to go and make disciples of all nations (Matthew 28:19). These disciples are our spiritual children who are to grow up to become our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

What about the fear of being alone? When we are born again in Christ, we receive the Holy Spirit within our soul and being. As followers of Jesus, we are never alone because the Holy Spirit is always with us as a Comforter (John 14:16-17, 16:7). Also, since we have been adopted into Christ’s family (Ephesians 1:5), we have many brothers and sisters, married and single, who will be there for us. We have a family in the church, a family that is founded by Jesus’ blood.

What about being different from everyone else? Honestly, this final fear affirms within my own heart that God has definitely called us Christians to consider a life of celibacy! As followers of Jesus, we are called to be different from the world. The world preaches the need to have a soulmate, to be known through intimate sex, and to have the American dream. As Christians, we have a true Soulmate Who has redeemed our souls, an intimate bond between our spirit joining the Holy Spirit, and a Heavenly dream for this distorted world.

The Apostle Paul writes, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:1-2). To add to this thought, 1 John 2:15-17 says, “Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.” This world desires marriage out of lust. Jesus, however, desires us to not conform to this world but to renew our minds to think like Christ, including the idea of living a life of celibacy for the Kingdom of Heaven. With all of this said, I have some final words I would like to say to three different groups of people.

To those single: You might have been single for your whole life up to this moment. I am well aware though that this is probably not the case. You might have been in a relationship prior to this, good or bad. You might have had sexual intimacy before marriage. You might be a widow due to a painful divorce or a tragic loss. Whoever you are, I am sorry for the pain and loneliness you might have experienced. Be encouraged, dear one! There is good news for you, and that good news is the most intimate relationship you can ever experience through Jesus Christ. He promises to never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6). He promises to catch every tear you cry (Psalms 56:8) when you find yourself alone. And he promises that His love for you will endure for eternity (Psalm 100:5). Rest, beloved, within His love and seek first His kingdom.

To those dating/engaged: I have some questions about your relationship. Can you further the Kingdom of God better as a couple rather than as singles? Do you share the same passion and zeal for Christ, for the lost, for the poor, and for the widows and orphans? Do you both sharpen each other like iron sharpens iron for Jesus’ ministry (Proverbs 27:17)? Or do you hinder each other in pursuing Jesus with your whole heart, soul, mind, and strength (Luke 10:27)? Do you, as a couple, serve Jesus partially when you know you could do so much more for Him as a single man or woman of God? Is your relationship idolized over your relationship with Jesus? If you can pursue Jesus better as a couple, then may God bless you! If you are hindering each other, then I ask you both to prayerfully consider breaking up to fully pursue Jesus wholly (as well as holy). If you are in a relationship with a non-Christian, then I charge you to break up now out of love for Christ and for that lost soul. Trust me. Remaining in that relationship is not a guarantee that your lover will come to know Jesus as their Savior. Jesus alone saves, and He does not need you to date someone to bring them to salvation.

To those married: Perhaps, you are newlywed, aged in marriage, or have been blessed with physical children. Wherever you are, may God bless you within your marriage. As an outsider, I have seen the struggles within a marriage and how strongly the enemy comes attempting to destroy the covenant between you and your spouse. Therefore, I applaud you as you continue to live a life worthy of your calling to marriage while seeking first Christ’s kingdom. Also, there might be a married Christian who, before or after they came to know Jesus, married an unbeliever. My heart burdens for you, but I encourage you to love your other half unconditionally through the wisdom Paul gave to the church in Corinth (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). While you remain faithful to your unbelieving spouse, reach out to your brothers and sisters in Christ and invite them to help carry your burdens (Galatians 6:2) and to pray for your other half. Lean into the love of Jesus, your true Lover for all eternity.