God Speaks... Despite Chaos
If I am honest, the past few weeks have been chaotic for me. And maybe that’s normal for most people during winter break, but I noticed how mine was a bit more so than past experiences. The past few months have been a long season of waiting for me, and I have come to realize how impatient I can be. It has been a hard season of unknown, of dying to self, of soul searching, of recalling the past that I really wanted to keep buried and forget. This season has been like a valley. Funny – I was living in a physical valley (Yosemite) and left to end up in a spiritual one.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.” – Psalm 23:4a
Granted, it has not been all bad. There have been moments of joy throughout the chaos that I am so grateful for and that have encouraged me to keep walking through this valley. Times with family I dearly love. Times with friends, some old and some new. Times with God, though not as much as I wanted nor needed. A wonderful time in the most beautiful wedding I have yet to experience!
However, this season as a whole has felt like a dark, dry valley, and it has been very hard for me to hear and see God in this valley. I have felt sad, angry, depressed, and then numb when my heart could not handle feelings anymore. I have felt lost and confused. I have felt like I jumped into an ocean with a leap of faith that ended me in a rip current, swirling around unable to catch my breath. I have been stuck, in life and in my own head.
“You rule the raging of the sea; when its waves rise, You still them.” – Psalm 89:9
Today, I had enough. I was fed up with all the chaos swirling around me in this ocean, with all the darkness surrounding me in this valley. The enemy wanted me to give up and quite. I chose to surrender. Despite all the chaos and noise going on in my life and in my head, when quitting would have been the “easier” choice (but not really), I chose to worship.
I picked up my guitar and started playing. At first, it was just notes because words were not coming out of my mouth with ease. Then, I began to sing a simple song with lyrics of truth:
Take a moment to remember Who God is and who I am There You go lifting my load again…
I yelled at the devil to get out of the room. I was tired of his suffocating lies, and I wanted his presence to leave before I started to sing louder:
No longer am I held by The yoke of this world Come up under the yoke of Jesus His yoke is easy, and His burden is so light…
The noise of the chaos around me was becoming silent. Tears of vulnerability were beginning to form indicating that my heart was beginning to open up to accept His Love:
Your love carries Your love carries me through All the valleys and the darkest places
Switching to a different song, I re-enter the darkness within my mind. But this time, I asked God were He was in all the chaos:
Though You slay me Yet I will praise You Though You take from me I will bless Your name Though You ruin me Still I will worship Sing a song to the one who's all I need
Suddenly, in the chaos, I saw Jesus. The formed tears began to fall down my cheeks, and I cried while still playing the guitar for one more song:
Your grace abounds in deepest waters Your sovereign hand will be my guide Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your Name And keep my eyes above the waves When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace For I am Yours and You are mine
He was there in the darkness, with His arms open wide to embrace me just as I am, broken yet still His beloved daughter.
The chaos has not left. I still do not have answers to my many unanswered questions. I still do not know what the next right step is. But this I do know and needed to be reminded of today – my Heavenly Father loves me too much to leave me alone in any one miserable second.
Maybe you, beloved, need that reminder today – or tomorrow, this month, this winter – too. Maybe you need to tell the lies in this world to shut up in the Name of Jesus. Maybe you need to get real and vulnerable enough to let loving Truth touch your bleeding heart. Maybe you need to ask God where He has been in all the chaos waters and throughout the dry, dark valley.
He is with you in all the chaos. God still speaks despite the chaos. It is the sweetest Whisper of Love you will ever listen to. Don't take my word for it. Listen for yourself, dear one.
*Songs and artists with YouTube link
1. Take a Moment by United Pursuit (Feat. Will Reagan)
2. Though You Slay Me by Shane and Shane
3. Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong UNITED