God Speaks... Through Journals
Yesterday was a bitter, sweet day for me. Why? Because I finished my journal that I had started back in September of last year.
In a strange way, finishing it has brought conflicting feelings within me. A part of me is proud for continuing to self-discipline myself in the art of journaling. Another part of me feels sorrow, like finishing it was saying goodbye to a friend who has walked this journey of life with me for the past few months. A part of me feels unsure and anxious about the thought of starting a new one, while another part feels exhilarated at the idea of recording new thoughts and adventures in my next journal.
With all of these emotions looping around from my head to my heart and back again, there is one emotion I am choosing to focus on: gratitude. I’m grateful, both for that specific journal and for the God given desire to journal.
My experience with journaling started just a bit over 3 years ago, back on January 14, 2017. However, I must confess that this hobby didn't have a pleasant beginning. In my first journal entry, I wrote:
Overall, I guess you could say life is just swell, or awesome. But I’m not happy... In fact, I’m quite depressed. I don’t know why I’m not happy, but I am. I keep having thoughts like ‘why am I here?’, ‘what’s the point?’, ‘where’s God right now?’, ‘what am I missing?’, and ‘is there more to life?’ I also keep thinking that, even though I know it’s not true, people don’t care if I’m here or not, I’m not loved, and I can disappear and life will go on like normal. In a way, I have lost my purpose in life. I’ve lost me... Where are you, God? Or, a better question, where am I, God? I very much feel like David right now in the book of Psalms. Just like David, can You show me hope in this life, Jesus? Please? Give me Your hope, Daddy... That’s all I want, and, right now, that what I need the most.
My journey of writing was birthed out of my pain battling against depression and suicidal ideation. Though that is a sad fact, it’s also beautiful. I didn’t realize it at the time, but God was beginning to form a healthy habit of writing down my thoughts and feelings on a page so I could see it with my own eyes and then let go of the toxic thoughts/feelings with prayers and Truth.
In that first journal, The Journal of Awesome, I wrote in it for one year. It wasn’t an every day habit, and there was even a 3 month period where I didn’t write in it at all. Yet, despite my imperfections, those pages contain memories that I love to revisit, like my time studying abroad in Denmark, challenging workouts and races while competing for UF, heartbreaks and lessons I learned, and so much more.
On January 14, 2018, I finished that journal with a final note to myself:
Dear Em,
Today, you woke up sad and depressed which makes you think that nothing has changed over a year of time. But that’s the beauty of it. It’s okay to be sad, to be depressed, to be broken because Jesus loves you despite your brokenness. You were/are/will never be perfect until that glorious day when you see Jesus face to face. You are to be the girl with a broken, happy heart. Until then, remember Him and what He has done... Remember Jesus and His arms ready to embrace you at any moment, remember the joy He has given you in running towards Him for His glory, and, most importantly, remember that your Father loves you with an unconditional love (no matter how you feel)! The journey has only begun, my friend, so live life to the fullest. God bless <3
Sincerely,
Me
Though it has been over two years since that journal entry, it’s a note that I still need to remind myself today. And that’s okay. In fact, that might be the whole purpose behind journaling.
I think writing out thoughts, memories, and prayers to God is so meaningful because God speaks when our pens scribble vulnerable honesty across a page. It's a tool that highlights the lies we believe while gently reminding us of His truth.
I called journaling an art, and I meant that with every fiber of my being. It takes practice to effectively record memories so you can relive them when you read past entries. It takes time out of your day to reflect on what you experienced to then learn from you experience. No one journals by accident. However, the reward is far greater than the effort involved!
During this odd season we are currently living, I’d encourage you to pick up a pen and a notebook and start writing. Write out your thoughts (good and bad), your feelings (or even numbness to your feelings), and impactful moments that day or that week. Write out prayers to God boldly asking Him questions you’ve only thought about asking Him.
If the thought of doing it daily seems too daunting, then try every other day, or every weekend, or whenever you feel like you need to process life. And, if this is new and/or hard for you, give yourself some grace. There’s no race or competition. This is just one practice that I’ve found to be very therapeutic in times of stress and unknown, which I think most of us are living in right now.
Most importantly, after writing down your thoughts, feelings, prayers, and whatnot, sit back and watch how God moves. See how good He really is and how deeply He loves you. And then, write about that with a heart of thanksgiving!
To finish this blog, I thought I’d share a reminder and declaration from the last entry I wrote in my Painted River journal yesterday:
In times of chaos and uncertainty, be still and know that He is still Lord of everything. He is always present, even in the season of waiting.