A Life Worth Remembering

There’s a girl sitting in a puddle of tears in her bedroom alone in the dark. There’s a chair next to her, but the hard floor seems just as comfortable right now. We all know her. She’s just like us.

She sits crying waterfall after waterfall looking at her phone trying to distract herself from her hurts and pain. But it doesn’t help. The pain stays. In fact, it has never left. She’s had it as long as she can remember. A long, gaping wound that has become infected with sorrow and anger. We all know her. She’s just like us.

She wears a mask around her friends and family pretending everything is cool and jolly when it’s not. It’s really not. But who wants to hear sad news or depressing stuff? If she tells people she’s sad, they’re going to ignore her and say “Pick yourself up and carry on like everyone else!” But she can’t. She just can’t anymore. The baggage is too much for her to carry. She’s carried it for thousands upon thousands of miles in this journey called life. All she desires is rest, but life hasn’t given her that. Not one millisecond of breath. We all know her. She’s just like us.

And just like us, she asks the daunting question of time: what is life?

~~~~~~~

On May 16, 2019, my small group from Greenhouse Church summer internship had our first meeting in a park I had never been to called Cofrin Nature Park. Once we arrived, I had a strange feeling of awe and sorrow. There was no specific reason why, but my heart became heavy. We walked over toward a pavilion in the northern corner of the park to sit down and chat about our first week of internship.

I remember walking past a bridge to my right and then stopped to look at it. Something inside me was drawing me to go across it to see what was on the other side. However, I did not want to delay my group and kept walking towards the pavilion.

While sitting in the pavilion, I was flipping through my journal and realized I accidentally skipped a page while writing down notes. Staring at the blank page, an image appeared in my mind, and I started doodling…

~~~~~~~

Life. That word that has brought so much to so many people. Life. Joy. Pain. Inspiration. Fear. Curiosity. Life has had an abundance of emotions. But what is life? Is life meaningful or meaningless? Is there a purpose to it? People say it is a lovely thing. Life is something to treasure, every moment, every snapshot, every second. That it is a gift. But is it? Or is it torture? Is it struggles? Is it pain? Is life a treasure or poverty?

~~~~~~~

After our meeting, we started heading back towards the vans in the parking lot. When we were passing the bridge again, I paused still feeling a pull within me to go across. My discipleship leader, seeing me stare intensely at the bridge, asked me if I wanted to check it out. I admitted that I did. She checked with the main leader, and he gave us permission to explore for a few minutes before leaving.

Once across the bridge, the trail split to the left and straight ahead. The forward trail led into the woods and looked as if it went for a while. The trail on my left led into a small garden with monuments and pieces of art scattered around. Following my gut, I went to the left.

Looking around at the art and signage explaining them, I quickly realized why God was tugging my heart to cross the bridge and why He placed that image in my mind. The whole garden was dedicated to suicide awareness.

~~~~~~~

In life, she has seen people depressed and doubting on life, religion, and themselves. They think no one cares about them when, in reality, they have a whole group that cares. They just don’t know it. People have failed to give them comfort in knowing that they are loved just for being them. So, what do they do? They kiss this world goodbye.

~~~~~~~

I thought there was some irony in God bringing me to this park on that day. My senior capstone was focused on studying green spaces in urban settings and their positive, sustainable influence on mental health. My research found a ton of evidence to support this fact. Now, post-graduation, standing in a green space dedicated to mental health awareness, a slight smile came across my face.

My smile faded when I began to study one piece of art in the northwestern corner of the garden. I saw seven pillars, with the seventh pillar lying on the ground broken in half.

I read the sign describing the art piece and saw a statistic that, “in every suicide, an average of six people is affected”. My heart sank as I thought to myself, “That seems too small…”

~~~~~~~

But what is death? Is it the opposite to life or is it part of life? Is it our enemy or friend? Some would say that it is a dead end. That there is just this life and nothing else. If so, then why live? Why go through struggles and strife if there is no point nor purpose? Some would say that it is a doorway to another life. But to where? And how? Why? Who can be sure? Who knows where people go after their clock stops ticking. Is death something to dread or something to admire. Everyone knows to fear it, but no one knows completely why.

~~~~~~~

I thought back to just the previous week, May 9, being at her memorial service. I remembered the hundreds of people in that sanctuary, all of them, all of the souls that had encountered her life and were blessed by her smile, mine included.

I also remembered hearing about it on the afternoon of May 2nd. I remembered feeling sorrow but mostly feeling raging anger at the stupid devil for taking her life too soon. I recalled that I cursed him then and there.

My mind flooded with memories of her, her heart for international missions, her waking me up in the middle of the night with her snores, her smile and laugh…

I remembered it all that day, and I let the haunting question of why resurface. But I reminded myself that I was in no position to judge her why. Just two and a half years prior to her choice, I was on the path of making the same choice.

I could have easily had been another statistic of suicides affecting at least six others around me. Thank God, one friend saw me lost in the shadow of death and spoke a few words of love that encouraged me to boldly take a step back into the Light.

Still staring at the pillars, I began to focus on the six pillars. Studying each one, I began to admire the artist. The individual crafted each one unique, symbolizing how each soul is affected differently from the tragedy of suicide.

Some might walk around with a gaping wound in their heart.

Some might morn, heal, and move on.

Some might get burned and then build a brick wall around their heart in an attempt to avoid any future pain.

Some might become depressed.

Some might not show signs of trauma until further down the road of life.

Some might crack and begin to fall for the devil’s lies leading down the same path of destruction.

But most (if not all) walk away changed, for better or for worse.

~~~~~~~

Why? Out of shame, guilt, lack of worth, depression, and despair in life. To them, life failed them. People failed them. They failed themselves. But when they leave, all those who cared for them come out of the shadows that either life or they created. Those who truly cared are left to hold the body of the one they loved so dearly. They ask, “What could I have done to stop this?” when the answer is nothing. Every day, people make the choice to live or die. Those who leave “early” choose death.

~~~~~~~

Today is the first anniversary of that sorrowful day. I would be lying if I told you that I don’t tear up when thinking about her anymore. But I wouldn’t want it any other way. Those tears remind me that her life is worth remembering.

Dear reader, you are not alone. If you are a soul who has been affected by a suicide victim, my heart aches for you today.

And if you are one who feels like you are about to crack in half like that seventh pillar, please don’t go. Talk to me, a family member, a friend, or a trustworthy stranger, but most importantly go talk with God. You matter. That is the simplest yet most loving truth I can say to you. You really do matter. And you are so loved! Today would/could not be the best today if you weren't here. So, please stay with us as we all fight for life, a fight that is worth fighting because Christ already won the war.

My prayer is that you would have the same ending as this desperate, beloved girl:

~~~~~~~

This girl, soaked in tears and questions, has been trying to figure out this pinging question. It’s been hours, days, weeks, years! And no freaking answers. She is shaking. Trembling. She is scared because she knows everything in her life so far has meant almost nothing. She just wants to be loved. She just wants to find true happiness. She just wants to know that those whom she loves will always be around and that she won’t have to worry about them anymore. She just wants a break from caring for everyone and feeling like no one cares for her. She just wants a break. She just wants rest. She just wants peace for once in her whole life! She looks up to the heavens and demands for an answer from anyone or anything to this suffocating question. WHAT IS LIFE?

Silence

Nothing but silence

“I love you” – said a Voice from the Wind

The girl looks but finds no one around. She must have imagined it. It was nothing. Just the wind.

“I love you, my daughter” – said the Voice from the Wind

“I am life. I am meaning. I am joy. I am happiness. I am purpose.

“When you came into this world, my heart leapt for joy at the sight of you. When you took your first steps, pride overflowed from within me. When you fell, I jumped to make sure you were okay. When you talked, I heard your voice and listened to your words. When you ran, I kept up with you and never left your side. When you laughed, I beamed with delight. When you cried, I wept. When you were scared, I encouraged you. When you prayed, I responded. When you hid in the shadows, I found you. When you lost everything, I became your never ending everything. Whenever you thought you were ugly, I called you beautiful. When you doubted me, I believed in you. When you cursed me, I blessed you. When you ignored me, I pursued you. When you hurt me, I healed you. When you gave up on life, I whispered in your ear ‘Keep going. I will never leave you nor forsake you. I love you.’ When you rebelled and sinned against me, I took your punishment and defeated death.

I always have been, always am, and always will be.

“I love you, my daughter. If you can have eternal acceptance, joy, purpose, hope, kindness, and love from me, what more do you need?”

The meaning of life came to her from the Voice in the Wind. Jesus

Amen

** Italicized portions from a short story I wrote in 2017 called What Is Life. Find the complete version in the writings section of my blog site.